If you don’t know what Festivus is at this juncture, stop reading this post and quickly go watch the Youtube clip below (or the whole episode, S9E10) from Seinfeld to get up to speed. I’ll wait.
OK, so how does this translate into a 5K run on Saturday, December 23, 2023 in Salem, OR? There’s a lot going on here, but basically the race website lists the following:
The Festivus activities, if you know anything about it, involves 4 things:
- Feats of Strength
- The Airing of Grievances
- The Feast
- The Festivus Pole
So, how do we approach this?
Feats of Strength: The timer starts at 11:00am. The first component is a wall sit for 45 seconds along the wall, or against the fence. After your 45 seconds, then you have to do 20 push ups. Take as long as you need. Once you finish, you can start the 5k run across the white bridge straight into Minto Park.
We will have a stop watch, but no chip timing this year. The finishing order will be recorded only. The run is about 3.1 miles. You have to be able to finish the course in 45 minutes. That is a 14.5-minute pace. Brisk walkers okay. No dogs. Dogs can’t do push ups. You gotta finish. Skipping might get you there in time for a Festivus miracle. Reach the finish line and turn in your bib tag.
The airing of grievances: You can write your grievances in advance on any paper, or on a card at the event. The best ones will be posted. Keep it short. This is not an intervention.
The Feast: Yes, it will be cold. Yes, there will be a cup of hot chocolate. Feast is an overstatement…This part will expand in future events.
The Festivus Pole: Yes, we have the official Festivus Pole. Will there be tinsel on the pole? NO. I find tinsel distracting. You can totally get your picture taken with the pole. Please don’t dance on the pole, Mercedes. It’s awesome, but it’s not bolted down.
Then we will move to a local bar for a little post-race. Bring cash for anything you may want there. Location disclosed later.
A guy we will call “Mullet Santa” will give out prizes for the following:
- Top 3 male/female finishers (No age group awards)
- Best Santa/Christmas Costume Mens Division & Womens Division
- Best Seinfeld Costume Mens Division & Womens Division
- Best Ugly Sweater Mens Division & Womens Division
If you are a serious runner who wants a pretty t-shirt and a certified course, this is not the race for you. This is Festivus, the race for the rest of us!
Sign up, dress up, show up.
